


Hope

by Christian_the_bluefrog



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean mouring Cas, Hope, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 18:46:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16001126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Christian_the_bluefrog/pseuds/Christian_the_bluefrog
Summary: We follow through Dean's eyes as he processes the loss of Cas, and when he gets him back.





	1. Loosing Him

Hope; the most dangerous thing in the universe- all of the universes. Hope makes you fight and brakes you as it slips from your grasp. You can see it, light and shining like a bubble. It floats in the air and holds glossy promises; but if you reach for it, it disappears. Pop. Poof. Gone. Leaving only emptiness where something wonderful once was. 

This is why I don't understand, why I keep looking for the bubble. It can't be completely gone, maybe if I find the right soap and more water. I can fix this- I can. It can't be over; I refuse to believe it. Even as I look down at your lifeless body in my arms. 

There's a hole in your chest, where Lucifer has plunged an angel blade through you. There must be a way to save you, there is always a way to fix whatever we've come across. I refused to believe that this is how it ends for us. 

We are supposed to have more time. We are supposed to watch more movies in my bed, on my laptop, my hand brushing against yours. We were supposed to take more rides in Baby. The kind that are just about me spending time with you. The kind where we drive just to find a back road, and pull over after our ride to have a beer. 

There is supposed to be time for me to push past my fear, in the perfect moment, when I felt brave enough- because the man who fights vampires and werewolves, the man who kills demons and saves the world; me. That man isn't brave enough to tell you that I am in love with you, and now it's too late. 

I'll never get the chance to see your eyes as I tell you. Would you have cringed back in disgust? Of course I didn't deserve you, Cas; I never will, but I could hope. Maybe that bubble wouldn't have popped if I'd reached for it. 

Maybe when I poured my heart out- let my emotions overwhelm me, like I know they would have- maybe, just maybe, you would have felt the same. Your eyes would light up the same way they only did for me. 

There was so much that you had only done for me. Sure you fell for humanity's sake, but I remember, 'I'm hunted, I rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you.' You were looking at ME, you got in MY face, your eyes were locked on MINE. 

You had shown me again and again how I was different then anyone else. You gave up and army to save me, an army for one man. Me.

I pull your cold, pale body towards my face.

"Tell me it wasn't one sided, Cas. Tell me you ment me, in that barn. You looked at ME! You said 'I love you' and you were looking at ME!" 

I'm shouting at a shell; an empty vessel that only a few hours ago had been the most important person in his life. Right next to Sam, where you belong. 

"I wanted to say it back. You were dying and I thought it was too late, but you said it. I just couldn't get it out before you told everyone else. I lost the only moment you gave me." 

I pull your body closer, my hands fisted tightly in your trench coat that you never take off.

I kept it last time, because in some small part of me there was hope. I didn't see you die. If you came back, you would want it. 

I want to keep it this time, Cas, but if I keep it; it'd mean that I hadn't given up. This is final. I can't keep the coat this time. I'm done with hope. It has hurt me again and again. I can't reach for that bubble again, Cas. I have to turn away and leave it, because if I reach for it again, I'll pop with it.


	2. Finding Him

I tried to walk away, but at every damn turn I'd see it; that bubble. No matter where I run, no matter how fast I am, it is always there. In my peripheral vision, tempting me to look at it. Calling me with it's shine.

That's why I don't believe it when I pick up my phone. When I hear your voice, I refuse to believe it. I'd fought too damn hard to let that bubble back into full sight. 

There is someone-something-out there, using your voice to get us somewhere. I didn't care if it is a trap. I've been reckless since you left, and I will not let whatever it is, that is walking around impersonating you, live. 

I'm looking for a fight anyway. When emotional pain hurts, when it hurts so bad that your chest aches, and your stomach wretches and your head feels like it's about to explode, the only thing that fixes that is pain, actual physical pain- cut and bleeding, brused and shattered- pain that was the only thing that fixed it for me. 

From one pain to another. The switch was good, if you keep cutting into the same nerve over and over and over, it gets no relief. But, if you can start a new cut, sometimes it takes the focus off the raw one. 

Then I see you. I see you, and that bubble is peeking around the side of my face again. 

'I'm right here, Dean. Reach out and grab me.' I still refuse. It still can't be you. 

I still expect a fight; still want a fight. Only, you don't have a weapon, you don't charge us; me. I see that spark in your eye, the one you only give to me. There's the slightest twitch of your lips as you close them. 

"Cas, is that really you?" I don't recognize my own voice.

"No you're- you're dead." Sam knows he is. He's let go of that bubble long ago. You're dead, but yet here you are. 

"I was, but then I annoyed an ancient cosmic being so much that he sent me back." Only you can say that with a straight face, but I can see the tiredness in your eyes.

"I don't know what to say." Sam believes it. Now, I believe it. This is it, our second chance. I'm not loosing this one. 

"I'm so happy I could kiss you." I try to wrap you up in a hug, but you end up falling against my chest and I catch you. 

"Please." You whisper is so soft, and tired, and.... hopeful. 

I turn my head and then your lips are against mine. I hear Sam in the background making a noise of excitement, but all I'm focusing on are your warm, chapped lips against my own. 

I feel the weight of you against my body, and it's so different from the last time I held you. Warmth and movement replaces the memory of pale and lifeless. 

"Tell me it's not one sided, Cas." He pressed his lips gently against mine again. 

"It never was."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this last night when I was in a funk and used the second part to cheer myself up. I hope you enjoyed. Comments are appreciated, it helps me learn and improve. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


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